Seconds ticked by

The seconds ticked by....clicked onHe clicked on,His eyes smarted in pain.
The gentle blue light,threw a celestial lookto his aging face.
The lines and contours of worry remarkablyran across his broad forehead.
Hands flew across the console,I could read his mind.
For it's the mind i have understoodall these years.
His hands was almost cold, and numb with the continuos tapping of keys ,and the artificial cooler only numbed his fingers,providing no soothing coolness of the open night air.
How i remembered the same hands that hadlifted me upto the skies, and had now taught me to reach the skies.
The huge hands gently clasping my tiny fingers,and cautiously manuevering me through the odds and ends, of the world.Seeing him work was an ordeal of pain,A sudden fear ran through me,an icy hand seemedto clasp my heart, shedding all its warmth away, When i thought.."Is this all for me?"
He held his chin with this hand,thinking...Brooding over the dumb machine,he seemed to be imparting a part of himself into it,He wanted this machine to understand him,
unaware of my stare, he continued...Unberable.!... so much work to the mind to comfort the heart?
He had to live up to all our expectations;Will i live up to his...?My hands grew number still; strangely todayI felt as though my hands were heavier ,and my heart heavier still with a greater burden.I noticed his shoulders seemed to be drooping...he clicked on...seconds ticked by...we seemed to entrapped in a trance with each of us in our own worlds.Time seemed to be at a standstillI could even hear the still night today.
He continued unperturbed...I couldn't bear it now,putting up a brave front i walked,As i came nearer, I could sense the intensity of his concentration, it crushed my very soul. Slowly I placed my hands on his palms and looking up into what seemed my very own eyes I said... "Dad... Take some rest."
Smiling he turned the consle off,The screen blinked it was ready to shutdown,He quietly retired to bed...It had only been shut down...Not broken down.

Amma Samaiyal

what is it that makes "ma ke haathon ka khana sooo spzl?"

wondered always ...today it was jus dosa and podi ..and i asked amma to feed me (ugh! am talkin as though it was feeding time at d zoo! :-p )

and bet my life friends that was the most delicious dish i hv ever tasted, but wonder how?
i have been having that 'oh-so -common ' combo for yearssssss....

and it gets better when patti feeds me ( now i need to find a new word! wonder why those word lists never come in handy when needed! :-x )

is it true ? that mom feeds u not mere morsels but garnishes every mouthfull wid luv and care?

well as for now my mouths stuffed wid dosa! and momz givin me those killer luks ..i am not being very co-operative when half my attention is on d screen

little does she know..shez a part of dis blog ! ( honor enugh huh..)

What is in a realtionship ????

I closed the book , and looked up ..it had been a boring dull day .Just like the previous 15 days that had sunk into oblivion. But the book seems to have stirred some strong emotions in me. Erich Segals "Doctors" , well am not going to elaborate the feelings i experienced when every medical malady was intensely described or rather about those complex pshycatric sensations the author had penetrated into, all those details would have been apt if i were to be giving a review of tis bok in particular.
It were the last lines of the book that had me thinkin
"what cures a disease ? the miracle medicine? a chinese cure? parents love? . for a miracle is still unexplained by medicine"

A miracle? hmmm now that is what struck a chord in me... i wondered is not every relation we build in this world a miracle by itself?

And yet again how is the intensity of any relationship defined?
Does time warrant ot obligate a person to stay intense in a relationship...a kid may be the world to his'/her parents but is it necessary for the kid to feel the same intensity ????
Strangely though am sure when the child grows up he would shed all his life and love on his kids.. but why do parents expect that the same to be given back to them? of course am against those ungrateful wretches who abandon thier parents to lonely lifes, but my question is ..is it wrong to love some one more??? I am not talking about loving anyone less , is it wrong or felony to love someone 'more'? . We are all bond in a delicate web of relationships, each part of us acts as someone to someone ...
U could be someones neighbor,someonez child,someonez uncle,somenez crush and yes to dramatically phrase it 'someonez world!'...i try expecting nothing in return from any relationship,its tough but atleast i brace myself for the worst. To me to expect any human to stay commited forever in a single mold is foolishness! and we dont either, we are someones daughter ,wife ,mom,grandmum ..we keep changing our roles in society in short our relationship around us.It seems inevitable but is for our own best!
And yet we seldom realise what a miracle it is to have someone to share our life with, the other day i was travelling in a coach back to chennai from tiruchy amd a gal was sitting next to me.She was about our age and we just started talking, we had so many things in common,for starters she hated AC coaches! and she suffered from insomnia when she travelled on buses (wow ! jus like me!) we started talkin on hostel life and how tough it was to leave that kind atmosphere. She even bought me a cup of coffee , jus coz i said i seemed to have a headache!!! now thatz caring enough ! , we chatted for a couple of hours then our seats were re arranged and i went back to sit near dad. The rest of our journey was spent in silence .I waved her goodbye and got down at mambalam.
It was only then i realised "i never asked her name!! and neither did she!!!", well what was this?, we had shared a few moments of each others lifes , we had built a bond ...this was a miracle to me ..how do we build relationships? why this girl in particular? why should i have even met her?
strange aint it?
Hmmm these miracles are something wihch will occur to us through out our lives ..some will go away jus like these train journeys and others are here to stay..whatever they may be ..the best i guess would be to cherish each of this miracle!!!!.....

"Dont cry that it all ended ,feel happy that it had happened"
-ahem i messed this proverb a bit!

A Walk into Thoughts

Its a balmy summer night , and i was walking quitely next to my room mate.The streets were quite and cars were litreally vanishing into the far darkness.She has recently sprained her ankle and the walk was really slow , my pace had been greatly reduced.I was lost in my own thoughts mostly dwelling around or rather brooding over certain long time goals or aims of mine,when my roomate suddenly cried out "aaah",i quickly turned to look at her ,she seemed to have tread over a stone and her leg was hurting further ."tch tch ..shalini careful " I came out with lot of empathy , it had been nearly 2 months and she has been sufferin quite long with this leg.

I said "Its really sad i wish your leg would get better soon", she retorted sharply "why?", I was quite taken aback "what do u mean why?" "do u like suffering this way",
she askd me simply"who told you i feel bad ,have you ever heard me grumbling about my leg?", I thought hard ,well she actually had never complained ! was she that stoic ,i shook my head "no i guess you have not ,but why didint you?"

"By complaining and grumbling i think i raise my karma level, I increase the negative vibrations about myself ,so well I never think that way",it seemed too simple but yet too big "you never grumbled? ",I can never worry about anyone ,she replied quitely "can you?",this was getting more intriguing 'well yes infact I do because I care for my parents and friends ,I worry when something goes wrong for them" ,

"Does it help them ? do you think it does, i never can ,but does that mean i dont care?" , How could i answer this,i said hesistantly"I dont know but I cant help worrying"
"That's the problem with me i cant worry for others ,I feel by being happy i help others and everytime i pray in the morning if we are worried then you cant concentrate even then"she stopped and her eyes seemed a bit lost " and if you were calm and composed and then you pray then those positive vibrations reach out to them shivani"
"i think by worrying we never help our near and dear ones ."
"Vibrations!! ,I had heard quite a lot of that for now .I could not possibly understand them.I never 'felt' the forces and what was all this energy stuff all about .But within me a small voice spoke out "had i never cared?","had my room mate given me a new perspective?",I believe that god is a great source of positive energy and what better way is there to get closer to him rather than to surround ourselves with positive energy?...Are we not part of god s energy jeevatma of the paramatma?

So why do i push myself farther away sometimes by doubting,by grumbling ,by worrying? Why do i? might be am struggling to strike a balance always.My room mate coughed ,I looked back ,she smiled knowingly "shivani dont get so confused your face seems so serious in thought ",I grinned "I am kind of thinking though ,you made me think thata way,I have never known vibrations shalini but i have known feelings gush through me like a raging river ,when some one bursts out laughing at my joke ,when some one says they could not have done this without me,when someone says they are proud of me,well i have found that i have actually surrounded myself with positive forces without realising it,to me might be worrying for others is a fulfilment of duty which actually makes me feel positive" ,she said "might be to you worrying is a kind of natural way to help be a part of it ,to reduce thier burden?,might be you do kind of lower thier burden by sharing it ",
"well when we need not be merely sympathetic, but empathy, i think people need that shalu",



"I think so might be ....".I had justified myself